But I'm not here to complain about the aspects of Christmas that we all know are annoying. I'm here to complain about the little annoyances you might not have even thought of! So, in the interest of time and your own morbid curiosity, here a few of the reasons why, when I hear Santa's sleigh overhead on Christmas Eve, I weep a little into my pillow.
* Animals dressed as festive human beings
People who get a little too "into" having a pet is the root cause of this abomination, that unfortunately doesn't stop on December 25th. It starts earlier in the year with celebrating its birthday as if it's an actual celebratable event and ends with sending Christmas cards that include a picture of the reluctant animal in front of a wintry backdrop. Make no mistake, I fully support PETA members hurling eggs at you if you're caught strapping a Santa suit on your Chihuahua. Actually, scratch that and substitute hammers for eggs. I think them throwing eggs would be an inherent contradiction. But anyway, animals don't want to be dressed as if they were humans. Would you want to take shits in public and be led around by a chain? I think I made my point.
* Christmas songs with deceivingly wrist-slashing lyrics
I'm not one of these guys who complains when they start playing Christmas music before the rotting pumpkins are in the trash (I have the ability to change the station, as do all). But what often goes unnoticed is that a significant chunk of these songs revolve around heartbreak, sadness and despair! Look no further than "Merry Christmas, Darling" by the Carpenters. Sure, it initially brings a smile to your face. The sweet, sincere lyrics, the strings in the background to accompany said lyrics. Until you get to the last line..."If I had one wish on this Christmas Eve...I wish I were with you." Are you fucking serious?! I sat through this entire sugary ballad just to find out that you're singing about a lover who broke up with you, passed away, or worse yet, never even knew you existed? This is almost as bad as that God forsaken "Christmas Shoes" song, which really should have been titled, "Happy Holidays from the Graveyard (It Sucks That Mom is Dead)." This shit depresses me, and holidays aren't supposed to do that. If it was, Nirvana would've made a Christmas album.
* Why are all the carolers in fictitious, TV show towns?
In just about every movie or TV show about Christmas, there's always that one special scene where there's a ring of the doorbell and lo and behold, there's a team of carolers belting out "Deck the Halls" dressed like 1920s village folk. Well where the fuck are these people in my neighborhood? As far as I'm concerned, they're just as real as unicorns, because I've never seen, nor have I even heard of a sighting of them outside of a Lifetime special. If you've got an ensemble of joyous singers who own long dresses and goofy hats, drop me a line and I'll send you my address. I'm expecting magic.
* Christmas cards make great gifts...for the environment
If there ever was an endorsement for recycling, it's got to be mass produced holiday greeting cards. I understand the underlying need to acknowledge someone without wasting money on them, but I can't remember one time where I received a Christmas card in the mail that excited me (sexually, or otherwise). It's a social obligation and nothing more. And the worst are the cards where the only personalization are in the To: and From: field. It's no more personal than receiving an invitation to a one-day holiday sale at Macy's. And then I have to decide how long to keep them around before tossing them. What if they come over for a visit? Will they look for it? Ah, I can't be bothered. Fuck it.
* The office is completely empty and stress-free, why would I go home?!
I have a hard enough time choosing which days to take off of work normally...but around the holidays it's nearly impossible. Why would I take personal time the week of Christmas when there are less things going on at work than at the Neverland Ranch? Why would I throw away precious accumulated personal time when I can just as easily be wearing my pajamas at my desk than at the dinner table? It's a yearly struggle, really, and one that only gets tougher with time...like a festive STD. The only time I truly want to take personal time are the days when I'm so stressed out that vacuuming my house is my only refuge. And, of course, those are the days when taking off isn't possible. It's a total mind-fuck and it explains fully why so many people kill themselves on their day off.
* What's more annoying than the phrase "Happy Holidays"? People who complain about it.
Don't get me wrong. I find it just as ridiculous as you do that corporate offices around the country refer to the frasier fir in their lobby as the "holiday tree." There's no such thing as a holiday menorah, either. Christmas isn't one of George Carlin's seven dirty words, nor should it be. But just because you celebrate on December 25th, doesn't mean everyone does. Do you really expect your company president to announce "Merry Christmas" in a company-wide newsletter? He or she clearly has bigger fish to fry (and please) than you, posting as your Facebook status update, "Merry Christmas! Not happy holidays! I said Christmas!" Look, you're not a fucking revolutionary or a rebel just because you bypassed political correctness. In fact, I'm starting to think you're more of a douche bag than the "Happy Holidays" folk. If Santa Claus walks by, you're definitely right to wish him a Merry Christmas. But if Woody Allen knocks on your door, I give him full permission to kick you in the balls if you wish him the same.
I'm sure there's much more venom inside, but that's all that eeked out today. I sincerely wish each of you a Merry Christmas (if you celebrate it), a Happy Hanukah (although it might be done by now, for all I know), a Happy Kwanzaa (although none of my black friends claim to celebrate it) and a completely sarcastic, taunt-filled 2010. If I've made even one of you laugh with my nonsense, I consider myself a success. Ha, that's such a lie. One person would be a complete failure.
Anyway, happy fucking holidays,
jdp
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