Con #1: Halloween costumes = always a fucking problem
To me, October is the marquee month. The temperature is near perfect for me, there's always that faint smell of a fireplace by the last week, and it is closed out by my favorite holiday, Halloween. The only problem? There are absolutely no legitimate costumes that aren't at least partially ruined by having to wear glasses. In the fourth grade, I dressed as one of my horror movie heroes, Freddy Krueger. But since I had to wear my specs with the costume, I looked more like Freddy's geeky younger brother, Teddy Krueger...who would console and play World of Warcraft with the families of the people he slaughtered.
Don't even get me started on masks. Your only options are to wear the glasses over the mask (which, if I need to say it, is completely unacceptable), or not wear them at all and count on your friends to guide you and hope they don't lead you through dog shit. Needless to say, it's a faulted experience.
Pro #1: Get out of doing pretty much anything...
Since people with perfect vision practically see us as handicapped, it's easy to squirm out of performing menial tasks like driving to the food store or paying online bills by simply pointing to the metal rims on your face and shrugging your shoulders. Pity is good.
Con #2: Peeing in the middle of the night is always a judgment call...
I'd imagine all male glasses-wearers can relate to this. You're awoken in the middle of the night by the unrelenting urges of an overfilled bladder. But you want to avoid getting up because, well, you're still half asleep. So you muster the strength to roll off the mattress and stumble to the bathroom. But you're not sure whether to put your glasses on because a) you're lazy, b) you can't find them in the dark or c) putting on your glasses means you're really waking up, which is a reality you can't quite face. So you either have to bite the bullet and reach for the glasses in the dark or just pee all over the toilet seat.
Pro #2: It's the ultimate accidental fashion accessory...
People already think I'm gay, so what's one more log on the fire? Since you're stuck with this on your face, you might as well make the best of it - and still manage to get laid in the process. Companies like Armani, Gucci, Dolce and Gabbana and Guess have been helping glasses-wearers get some for years. In fact, I'm pretty sure I owe my entire sex life to the helpful staff at Cohen's Fashion Optical for steering me towards designer frames. Where was this style revolution when I was getting slammed into lockers in 6th grade?
Con #3: The assumption is that you're a blind nerd who likes doing blind, nerdy things...
Anyone who's ever worn glasses regularly has gotten the schmuck in their face asking them, "How many fingers am I holding up?" And if murder was ever acceptable, I'd say this is the time. But that's the mentality that a lot of perfectly-visioned ignoramuses have. They think we're still blind, despite the corrective lenses right their on our faces. And it's also assumed that we're sexless nerds who like to play online chess and masturbate to the New York Times crossword puzzle....which is just absurd. In fact, if I make it as far as 7 ACROSS on that thing I consider it an achievement. And I'd masturbate to that.
Pro #3: People are reluctant to punch you in the face...
You wouldn't hit a guy with glasses, would you? Well, when polled, America told us that 67% of them would be less likely to strike an individual in or around the facial area if said person was wearing glasses. Okay, I made that poll up, but I don't doubt that it's in the neighborhood of accurate. If the downside of wearing glasses is that people don't think you're tough, the upside has to be that people will feel sorry for your weak ass and not pound on you. Right? Now, I know what you're thinking. But, Joe, you've been teased, mocked, pushed, slammed into lockers, and given countless wedgies as a kid. Yes, this is all true, but I was never once punched in the face. Just sayin'.
Con #4: Swimming is a monumental pain in the ass...
If you're half-blind like me, you're nodding your head at this point. Unless you can wear contact lenses or have prescription goggles (and really, the nerdiest of nerds won't even wear those), you have two options when you're at the beach or a pool. You can either keep your glasses on and risk losing them in the water and being "that guy", or you can take your glasses off and feel your way through it, hoping you don't pull a Greg Louganis on the diving board. Anyone who wears glasses will tell you that neither option is attractive. You either end up walking around with foggy lenses, losing them entirely, or worse yet, not being able to enjoy the nearby T&A parade. Fuck that.
Pro #4: They shield us from all evil!
In 6th grade science, I was one of the few who didn't have to wear protective goggles while dissecting a frog. Why? Because my protective goggles are already on my fucking face, baby! I remember feeling a sense of pride (with a dash of embarrassment) when Mrs. Stevens told the class, "Everyone put on their plastic goggles. Except for you nerds. Life has been hard enough on you, I don't think you deserve to be further nerdified by giving you yet another set of eyes." Okay, she didn't say any of that shit. And while we're on the topic, they make wonderful grass shields when mowing lawns.
Con #5: Making out is hard to do...
It's bad enough when one of the two has glasses, but when both do, it gives new meaning to "hot and steamy lovin'." There is simply no non-awkward way to make out with someone without the glasses becoming an issue at some point in your tongue-slapping session. It's kind of like trying to kiss your girlfriend, but your siamese twin brother is there. It's just uncomfortable. Three minutes in and your face looks like a downtown London morning. I mean, sure, you could take them off, but trust me, you'll need them later on.
Pro #5: There is no Pro #5...
This would've made the list even, but I honestly couldn't think of another benefit of wearing these things on our faces. I could've made something up, but I didn't want to bullshit you.
Con #6: Try watching TV in bed. I double dare you.
Like most things glasses-related, you can either be comfortable and blind or uncomfortable and sighted. If you're lying in bed and have any intention of catching the late edition of Sportscenter, or maybe even TBS's edited, yet passable reruns of Sex and the City, you only have one option: Position the TV at the foot of your bed and lay straight on your back. If the TV is anywhere else, you need to lay on your side and either prop your head up with your elbow or even worse, press your glasses into the pillow with your face. No matter what, you'll pass out and wake up once you realize there's something on your face in bed that shouldn't be there. Just writing about this pisses me off.
And in closing (because I prefer not to end on a negative note), a tribute to some of my favorite fellow glasses-wearers...
