Jobs I Hope the Recession Eliminates

I'm a firm believer that, even in the worst of times, there's a silver lining. In fact, you could think of any bad experience you've ever had in your life and I guarantee you there's a bright side there somewhere. Failed a math test in 3rd grade? Your parents no longer expect you to go to medical school. Got dumped by your girlfriend the week before Valentine's Day? You save money on a gift and you get to have guilt-free sex with that promiscuous co-worker you've been keeping at bay. Hey, sometimes there's double the silver lining!

So, considering that the current bad situation is the state of the economy, I've come up with a timely list of job titles that I hope this supposed recession wipes off the face of the earth- which would be, oh yes, a silver lining. Now, of course, I don't wish poverty on anyone. But there are just certain jobs I find to be unnecessary, ineffective, or just plain obnoxious. Let's get started.

The Apple Store "Genius"

Just when you thought techies couldn't get any more aloof, socially inept, and douchebaggy, Apple goes and throws the "genius" label on them. And then has people schedule appointments to meet with these nerds. It's no wonder, frankly, that they all eventually develop a heightened sense of self worth. These hipsters, who stand behind the "Genius Bar" with completely uninterested looks on their faces, would rather be Twittering than helping you with anything. And they always seem to give off the impression that you're interrupting their nerdy existence by asking them a question- that is, assuming you were able to secure a much sought after appointment. They've never actually helped me with any of my iPod problems. So fuck them and their lanyards.

The dude on the left was the second choice to play Harry Potter and now he does this. Can you sense the bitterness?

The Bathroom Attendant

I know a dude's gotta make money somehow. But this particular profession is the cause of too many awkward social moments to justify its existence. I would actually be more inclined to give money to a homeless person outside the bathroom than I would a guy pumping soap into my hand like I'm an invalid in the bathroom. At least the homeless dude has some dignity left. And I, for one, prefer to manage my soap and paper towel distribution myself. In fact, I'd be willing to surrender my money upfront, rather than digging clumsily into my pockets for a dollar, drunk, mid-piss while some dude in a tuxedo waits behind me staring creepily, amidst a collection of gum and cigarettes.

Just so you know, I am not above hand-feeding you peanuts while giving you a reach-around if it means a bigger tip.

The BJ's Receipt Hole Puncher

No kid ever grows up with dreams of one day scouring receipts at the exit of a nearby wholesale food store. And because it's such an undesirable job, people who take it could give less than a shit about whether you're stealing or not. Seriously, think about the last time you went into a BJs, or other store supporting this ridiculous practice. How long do they look at the receipt? Two seconds? Maybe? You could be handing them your CVS receipt from when you bought condoms and a Nestles Crunch, and they'd never know. Besides, what's stopping you from getting your own hole-puncher and doing the deed before you even get there? Get rid of this job and put this hole-punching fool on cashier for God's sake!

The ultimate security guard...

The Casual Restaurant Valet Parking Attendant

I think we're fat enough in this country, don't you? Well, apparently someone doesn't think so. Because the more places you go to eat, the less you'll actually have to walk to get to your table. I can see if you're a real classy joint in a big city, but otherwise, there's no need for this. Here's a rule: if where you're going has a kid's menu, you can park your own fucking car.

The epitome of fine dining...

The Movie Ticket Stub Ripper

Yeah, it's mean of me to say, because a lot of your grandfathers probably held this job at some point. But really, it's the same as the receipt hole puncher. First of all, the old codger checking your ticket can barely see as it is, so he's not what I'd call reliable security. It's a completely fruitless line of defense that just creates foot traffic. Instead of having these people rip tickets, you should have them stopping people from seeing movies like "Sisterhood of the Traveling Pants 2." Then at least they'd be doing something worthwhile for the community.

Allow me to rip your ticket...or whatever piece of paper you hand me which could really be anything.

The Arena Entry Pat-Down Security Guard

I know what you're thinking. Joe, are you in favor of getting rid of all means of security? And the answer is no. I'm only getting rid of those that I find meaningless. In fact, I'm in favor of full body cavity searches for any event housing more than 5,000 people. Okay, maybe not that extreme, but it would certainly be safer than the lazy ass, barely touching you pat downs that the current crop of police academy drop-outs currently provide. Basically, unless you're storing an AK-47 assault rifle under your clothes, you can literally have any other kind of weapon concealed and they'd never know. So either really get in there and grope us or eliminate these guys and let fate work itself out. At least we'd be in our seats before encore!

So, like, can I go on break now?

I'm with the guy in the bright yellow shirt.

Thanks for reading. And if you agree, disagree, have more jobs you want to add to the list, want to tell me I'm an asshole, feel entirely free to add it below! And if you dig it, become a follower!

-jdp

jdeprospero@gmail.com

Troll 2: Twice the Vegetables, Half the Logic

Welcome to what (I hope) will be a bright spot in your otherwise uneventful week. I’ve arrived, folks, so prepare yourselves for rants, completely unapologetic movie and music reviews, and even some interviews with some of the most warped, juvenile, and piss-worthy people I know personally. And more!

Now, I’d been searching for a good target to aim my virtual venom at for my first official blog. I wandered down dimly lit streets and dug deep into my dirty soul for inspiration. Nothing was coming to me. I was all out. I had just created a blog site and had nothing to actually blog about! I felt much akin to the dude who waits on a long line at a fast food place and when he finally reaches the register, he hadn’t even looked at the menu yet. I felt creatively impotent. But all that changed when my friend Doug Hoekstra came by holding the DVD for the movie Troll 2. And all was right with the world…

I must preface this by admitting that I have never even seen the first Troll film. I understand, though, that the sequel is (big shock) in no way related to the original. With that said, it would be safe to say that any high school, middle school or kindergarten class could have devised a scarier plot for a movie than this one. In Troll 2, A family of four (The Waits) swaps houses with another family to visit the unassuming, and completely attractionless, town of Nilbog which is swarming with undercover vegetarian goblins (And they fear meat. Oh, they fear meat.) while the boy’s dead grandfather’s ghost keeps appearing to give ominous hints about what lies ahead. But despite grandpa’s warnings from beyond, they continue filming this crappy movie.

Before we go any further, I absolutely have to bring something up about this film that is obvious from scene 1. The acting here is worse than any shit-fest small town stage play you’ve ever witnessed. I’ve seen a 6th grade production of Grease that had more talent. Each line is spoken with the believability of an awards show presenter reading off a teleprompter, and it’s fair to say that It's The Great Pumpkin, Charlie Brown! elicited more fright than this movie’s best scene. It literally comes across like they took the first 20 or so people they found on the street, handed half of them latex masks and potato sacks and the other half they told, “Act as scared as a person running from vegetarian goblins would act.” And as for the costuming, I’ll let the visual speak for itself.

The cast of Troll 2, gathering their receipts to return their masks at Party City...

Oh, There's a PLOT , You Say?

No bad horror movie would be complete without gaping plotholes the size of the Grand Canyon, either. Let's run some of them down...



* Who plans a vacation to a city where there's literally nothing to do? I know things aren't supposed to go "as planned" in horror movies, but couldn't they have at least TRIED to establish a false sense of comfort before shitting the creative bed?

There's a reason this shot isn't zoomed out.

* Since the goblins seem to run the town of Nilbog (have you dared to spell it backwards yet? Go on, do it!), they also apparently control all the food. When Joshua, his parents, and older sister arrive in the vacation house, they are greeted outside by the very family whose house they'll be staying in- the Presents. The father seems standoffish and kind of an asshole. Yet, no one seems alarmed when they discover that a meal has been prepared for them and left on the dinner table! They even played dark, ominous tones when the family left! How can you trust someone accompanied by such tones to cook you dinner?! Well luckily, the ghost of Grandpa Seth appears just in time to give the 411 to Joshua that eating this food is a bad idea. He's also apparently a superhero, as he's able to freeze time for 30 seconds (which lasts way longer than this in the movie), giving Joshua a window to think of a way to stop the eating. It also gives you a chance to reconsider watching this drek. Anyway, Joshua sees no other option but to do the following...

You asked for it. You fucking got it.

* Grandpa Seth apparently KNOWS how to defeat the goblins the whole time, but it takes him the entire length of the movie to finally verbalize it? Oh, and he "leaves for good" more often than Brett Favre. Play or fold, Gramps.

* The teenage daughter, Holly, in the movie has a boyfriend, Elliot, who wants to come along on her vacation. She's cool with it, assuming he comes alone and not with his stereotypically horror-movie-horny friends. She even accuses him of being gay to punk him into it. So, what does he do? He fails to get to Holly's house in time for lift off and then he packs three of those friends into a camper and heads out to meet the Waits family. Then he acts surprised when Holly finds him and punches him in the face! Dude, have you ever dealt with an angry woman before?

* One of the boyfriend's nerdy pals follows a frantic woman into the nearby woods. He gets impaled in the chest by one of the goblins and they come upon an abandoned church-like building, where of course they seek refuge. Once inside, they find themselves face to face with a woman who looks not unlike a female vampire (we later find out she's named Creedence), who immediately offers them something to eat. Because why wouldn't she? So she comes out with two of the most suspicious-looking soup bowls I've ever seen anywhere. These things look like two mini witch cauldrons, with the dry ice spewing out and everything. You'd think this would set off an immediate red flag. So of course, the dumb girl drinks it, and then turns into a gelatinous green goo as her new man friend with the hole in his chest does a horrendous impression of someone who's surprised (and in pain). Then, the next time we see him he's been transformed into a potted plant, branches coming out of his face and everything. And there is no rhyme or reason as to how you become a plant as opposed to a puddle of goo, either. I'm totally fucking serious.

So Where's the Good Stuff?

These next tidbits aren't exactly plotholes, but moments that truly need to be experienced before you die...

* One of the horny dudes hanging out in the camper is beckoned outside by a playful-looking zombie-in-hiding who is playing synth-happy 80s music and provocatively holding...wait for it...a corn on the cob. So she saunters up to this guy and invites herself in. I knew it was too good to be true that the one moderately attractive female in the movie would get naked. I was right. And a recurring theme within this film seems to be healthier eating through vegetables. See below if you don't believe me.

Goblin law states that, during makeouts, there must be a corn on the cob separating the lips, and of course, stagehands must hurl popcorn.

* His family doesn't believe that Joshua is really seeing the ghost of his Grandpa Seth. That is, until idiot Grandpa screws up and appears in the daughter's room instead. Joshua gets pissy. "You went to the wrong room, Grandpa!" Can't say I blame the kid. Since when do ghosts get lost?

Sorry, my bad.

* The climactic scene in this movie really needs to be seen in order to believe it. The Waits family is, you guessed it, cornered by the goblins. Just when you were asking yourself how this family could possibly escape a bunch of second-rate monsters who, quite frankly, should be ashamed of themselves for not killing this family sooner, Grandma Seth's old ass makes an appearance to suggest they touch the "Stone Henge Magic Stone" (I can't make this up) and hands Joshua a bag that he should "only open when absolutely necessary." So the goblins (who put up less of a fight than paid actors in a haunted house), have Josh cornered when, the little crafty bastard decides to reach into the bag that Grandpa Seth left for him. He is either confused or thrilled to see what's inside. "Double decker...bologna sandwich!" Creedence the goblin queen squeals, "No! The cholesterol!" Too late, Toots. Joshua starts chowing down and then it's curtains for you and your underlings. He even couples the bologna sandwich with the dreaded touching of the Stone Henge Magic Stone! His family then joins him and no goblin can dare compete with such weaponry.

Joshua + Lunch Meat + Rock Touching = Goblin Death

I'll end here, as I've already put twice as much thought into this review as they put into the movie. Oh, and get ready for a spoiler. The movie ends with Diane Waits, the mom, being eaten while she's in the shower and taken out into the living room where Joshua finds them munching on her. Both the father and daughter are nowhere to be found, probably because the director knew the kid was the best actor of the bunch and the only one who wouldn't make this scene completely laughable. Unfortunately for them, I still laughed.

Needless to say, I highly recommend this film. Much like I would recommend watching a blindfolded man with meat in his pants walk into a room of starving pitbulls.

Stay tuned, I've only just gotten started!

-jdp
jdeprospero@gmail.com