These are perhaps the worst of the bunch. I've always lived by the philosophy that if you can't say something at least borderline interesting, just shut the fuck up. No one needs to know that you're preparing for a conference call or that you just vacuumed the pubic hair off your bathroom carpet. These are the painstaking details of the day that your brain tells you not to share with others. If you're doing a line of coke with Amy Winehouse, post it. If you're drinking a can of coke with Amy Nobody, keep it to yourself. No one needs to know each time you drop a deuce, you self-absorbed dolt.
2) Baby, I'm Bored
I feared that I might become one of them when I had a child. Thankfully, by the grace of God, I resisted. I'm talking about these people who think it's "cute" to update everyone on their child's oh-so-thrilling daily routine of drooling and shitting themselves. "Today, Spencer said 'Mommy, I love you lots.' How adorable is he?!" Lady, no one likes you, and by default, you're making them hate little Spencer, too. Repeat after me: Just because I'm excited about something, doesn't mean anyone else will be. You should have your tubes tied...around your neck.
3) Oh Hey, Look at My Hotel Room From THIS Angle
When posting photos on Facebook (or anywhere for that matter), think of it like assembling a greatest hits album for a band or artist. Only include the best of the best. It allows you to get to the point and not waste the time of those bound to view them. For example, when you're posting pictures from your wild trip to Vegas, you can leave out the 13 pictures of the fucking sunset you took when you were high on angel dust. An argument should be seen from different sides. Your haggard Aunt Lisa? I think one distant shot of her ugly ass will suffice.
4) The Tag Hags
Don't get me wrong; I like the tagging concept that Facebook has employed. I consider this one of its most lucrative tools. And speaking of tools, there is a whole heap of shit-for-brains who've taken this too far. I mean, if half of your friend's ear is in the shot, is it really worth the tag? I guess it was funny at first, but now it lost its novelty and is just plain annoying. The next person who tags someone's toe is getting tagged in return as "This one has Chlamydia."
5) Today's Forecast: Partly Douchey
These Neanderthals are cut from the same cloth as the baby-updaters and the put-you-to-sleep mafia. The clouds fill the sky, winds blow ominously through the trees, and the distant sound of thunder is heard. Raindrops gather on your windshield. And you know what's next. Everyone, pull your car to the side of the road, log onto Facebook and let everyone know how precipitation has ruined your perfect fucking existence!!! Seriously, the world already has one Al Roker and that's one too many, for my liking. And besides, it's rain, not battery acid. I think you'll survive. Pussy.
6) 3...2...1...Shit Balls!
12 more days till Cruefest!
6 more days until vaca!
4 more days and my herpes outbreak should clear up!
Listen, I don't need daily numbered reminders of whatever insignificant life event you're orgasming over. If I wanted to see a washed up hack who can't put a sentence together count to zero, I'd watch Dick Clark's Rockin' Eve. If you insist on doing this, just know that as your days get smaller, as does your number of friends. Shithead.
7) I'm Sorry, Are You Lost? Or Just an Asshole?
There is a site for people who want to post 10 or more blathering status updates a day. It's called Twitter. If you think you honestly can't limit your number of daily word vomit instances, fly on over and "tweet" there. Facebook is reserved for the less prolific dullards only.
8) "Cause"ing Me Grief
Note to those who send me virtual drinks, hugs, cause invites, smiles, and requests to join your legion of online game-nerds: I ignore everything. If I thought "supporting" anti-animal cruelty Facebook groups would give Michael Vick a bad case of the clap, I certainly would join. But seriously? You sent me a skull? What the fuck does that even mean?
9) Introducing, for the First Time as Husband and Wife...Mr. and Mrs. Toolbox!
There's nothing worse than hanging out with a couple who can't keep their hands and lips off of each other in social settings. That is, until Facebook came along and gave these goons the power to nauseate us in a new, hip way- virtual PDAs. Here's a general rule: No one wants to hear about someone else's successful, love-filled relationship. If you're happy with your boyfriend/wife, etc., good for you. Tell them you love them...to their FACE! Shit, you live together for God's sake! The rest of us are perfectly capable of keeping our happiness to ourselves. You make us feel like the game show contestants moping away with shitty parting gifts while you gleefully skip over to the bonus round. I would hate to play Scattergories with you fuckin' glory-hounds.
10) The Ambiguous Suicidals
Don't even get me started on these Emmy award winners. We all get depressed. It happens. Things don't go our way sometimes. But really, if it's that bad where you can't restrict your gloom to the three or four close friends who can still stand you, it's time to seek a therapist. Seriously. Enough with the vague "is tired of it all and needs an escape." WE now need an escape, from you. The next time I read a paragraph summing up how shitty your life is, it better be your obituary.
I'm sure I've left out some that you would've included. Like the ho who changes her relationship status five times in four weeks, the habitual quiz-takers, and people who include everything but themselves in their own profile picture. But I'll leave that for another rant on another day.
And what better way to close this out than with a song about this very topic...
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=55I83jEAIhk
Thanks for reading, even if you fall into one of the above categories and hate me now.
Photo courtesy of GeekSugar.com- jdp
