Embarrassing Things I'll Admit That I Probably Shouldn't - Part 1

If you've known me for any extended period of time, you almost certainly know that I'm not easy to label. Oh, you can try to slap the "sophisticated, nice guy, wine drinker" label on me, but I'll counter that with a personalized bowling ball, a dick joke and a 25 year collection of pro wrestling memorabilia. Bottom line, I'm an enigma. And even I have a hard time figuring out why I am the way I am...and why I do the things I do. So, with that said, here's a collection of completely random confessions, that could only come from the warped mind of JDP...

* Sometimes, when I'm in the shower, I wonder if a ghost is watching me. And then I jump to all these crazy conclusions about who the ghost is and why they're there. Maybe it's my Grandpa Pat? Then I find myself rushing to get out of the shower because him seeing me naked is just plain gross. What if it's Marilyn Monroe? I suddenly find myself sucking my stomach in. It's weird, I know.

Is he "friendly" enough to check out my junk? I don't wanna know.

* Whenever I see two people who are about to collide with one another (like, coming around opposite sites of a bend), I sit back and let it happen. One could be carrying a wedding cake and the other a house of cards...doesn't matter to me. In fact, in situations like that, I'm more inclined to grab the closest camera to snap a shot of the eventual collision. It's like seeing a shooting star; I embrace the disastrous moment.

* Despite being raised a baseball fan, I haven't watched a full game (including ones I've gotten free tickets to) since about 1993. However, I've seen every episode of The Golden Girls at least twice. Don't get me wrong; playoff baseball can be extremely exciting. But regular season, no-playoff implication baseball? I'd personally derive more enjoyment from one of Rose's St. Olaf stories. It makes no sense that I'm straight, I realize that.

* On the day of my 8th grade dance in junior high school, I inexplicably took a suction cup and stuck it to my forehead (Hey, it was 8th period, I was in band and had forgotten my French horn. Hence, I was nerdy and bored). So, the cup clung to my forehead as I frantically tried to yank it off. Eventually, after a painstakingly long 45 seconds, I was able to free my skin from this idiot death trap. Long story short, I went to the dance solo with a ping pong ball-sized red circle between my eyes, obviously covered in makeup that my sister had applied. For those wondering, (if being in band with a red circle on my face didn't give it away) I did NOT get laid that night.

Life sucks. Sometimes it sucks on your forehead.

* I did not care for the movie The Matrix. In fact, I fell asleep on it in the theater. I did, however, greatly enjoy the delightfully optimistic romantic comedy Love Actually, starring the unmistakably charming Hugh Grant. See last line of confession #3.


* The first "album" I ever personally purchased was MC Hammer's "Please Hammer Don't Hurt 'Em" in 1990. Looking back at what my other options were- Faith No More's "The Real Thing," Aerosmith's "Pump"...I'm even more embarrassed. It's like looking back at the 1984 NBA draft when Sam Bowie was selected over Michael Jordan. A travesty.

Please Children, Don't Buy 'Em

* When I was in 8th grade (not a good year for me, clearly), I was chosen as "Athlete of the Month" in gym class- sadly my greatest "academic achievement." The gym teacher asked me to answer a series of questions on a piece of paper and next thing I knew, it was blown up on a poster board outside the boy's locker room, so the entire school knew that my favorite movie was "Ghost." I thought those answers were a private share between Mr. Smith and I! See last line of confession #3, again.

Although my manhood was seriously questioned for liking this movie, I still think this scene is pretty hot. Because of Demi Moore. I swear.

* I was in an indoor kickball league when I was about six years old. Sounds fun, right? Well, I made it through all of one game. Well, not even one game, technically. I was rounding third to come home and score a run and literally couldn't find where home base was marked on the gym floor. I started jumping up and down, flailing my arms and crying. I was tagged out. My indoor kickball career began, and ended, there.

Wahhhhh! There go my dreams of making all star!

* My iPod contains music from all of the following artists except for one: Madonna, Whitney Houston, Miley Cyrus, The Grateful Dead, George Michael. I'll give you a hint- it's the only one on this list that isn't completely humiliating.

* After watching Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory as a kid, I took the gum out of my mouth and stuck it behind my ear (after all, Violet claimed to have set some kind of longevity record for placing it there in between chews). My Grandma Eleanor was babysitting me at the time, and had the unenviable task of cutting Hubba Bubba out of my hair with a scissors, while intermittently grunting, "God dammit!" and "I don't know what the hell you did here!" Not my brightest moment.

Apparently, my role model as a child...

I'm sure there will be more editions of this to come, as I've got a whole sack-full of embarrassing tales to tell about myself. And this is just the stuff I'm willing to share!

-jdp

jdeprospero@gmail.com