Musical Trends & Habits That Make Me Want to Impale My Ears with Drum Sticks

Friends of mine are well aware of my love affair with music. We go way back. In the 6th grade, when the red-headed object of my affection said no, Aerosmith said yes. In 9th grade, when I failed physical science and had to suffer the indignity of un-air conditioned summer school with no pretty girls to be found, Green Day's "Dookie" was my main squeeze. If this is starting to sound creepy, you haven't heard about my messy breakup with Oasis.

Finding music, for me, was like finding the perfect mate. But even after finding that mate, you're bound to find flaws. This blog is about just that. More specifically, certain musical habits that have been chapping my ass for years. Let us begin the tongue-lashing...

* Red Hot Chili Peppers mentioning California

Guys, I love you. I really do. But seriously, stop it already. I fucking get it. You're from the state of California, birthplace of Dani California, Californication, home of the Dodgers. You mention this word about as often as Art Alexakis from Everclear says "Yeah." Bon Jovi is from New Jersey. They even named an album after it. But you don't hear them verbally felating it in a song. You guys are like born-again Christians bringing up Jesus. You're like an annoying new mom pushing wallet-sized photos on uninterested strangers. Here are some new states to sing about: Texas (rhymes with exes, flexes), Maine (the rhyming possibilities are endless), and North Carolina (The Bloodhound Gang came up with a clever rhyme for this one). What's frustrating is the Chili Peppers are a perfect band, aside from this glaring flaw. They're like the really hot girlfriend who talks about her ex too much. Don't ruin what we have, guys.

Anthony Kiedis just got a hard on...

* Dance remixes of songs that were fine the way they were


There's a reason when I go to the gym, I cling to my iPod like Rose clutched the big door after the Titanic sank. Without fail, KTU (or another similiar station with more power than they deserve) is playing an "upbeat" remix of a John Mayer, Killers, or Metallica song. Not everything was meant to be danced to, fuckers. I've heard a dance version of "Unbreak My Heart" by Toni Braxton. Actually, it was probably called "Unbreak My Heart (Big Ricky Riddler Dickface Club Mix)"Have you ever listened to the lyrics to that song? One of the lines is: "I can't forget the day you left, time is so unkind." Woohoo, where's that dancefloor?! You don't see us turning "Copacabana" into a rock epic. So, leave songs the way they were meant to be heard, and we'll all be happy. Or at least I will. And that's what I'm aiming for.



* Political messages in song


I know there's a certain percentage of you who think this is a real cute idea. But you're Bruce Springsteen, not the Secretary of Defense. Songs were meant to be sung about pining after women and sleeping with them, not the Gulf War. I never went into a music store thinking, "Gee, I'd really love to be reminded about civilian casualities in third world countries. And I would especially like this to be accompanied by a string section. Oh look, Midnight Oil!" I, for one, prefer my politics on the evening news, a cappella.


* Overly ambitious versions of the Star Spangled Banner

Every time a singer with something to prove steps up to belt out this standard, I can almost see Francis Scott Key rolling around in his or her grave. The runs, the trills, the gyrations. Is this the national anthem or a commercial for epilepsy? You know when they say less is more, they're talking about you, Carl Lewis.


http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=HJLvCM4j2mg



* The Black-Eyed Peas (and particularly, their most recent shitty single)

Hey, it's my blog, I'm allowed to be as subjective as I want. I just really can't stand these assholes. The fact that "Boom Boom Pow" has recently been iTunes' most downloaded song is a sign of the apocalypse, in my view. I've experienced more joy from a fire cracker in my pee hole than I have from this crapfest they call a song. For all I know, they could be really nice people who donate to charity and help little old ladies across the street. But fuck 'em. They annoy me.



* Screaming vocalists

Ah, if there ever was an oxymoron, this is it. Who needs a melody when you can just screech and wail like a burn victim? This is perhaps my biggest musical pet peeve. If you can write a song and have musical ability, you're a musician. If you're pissed off because they stopped playing Alf reruns on TBS and you set your bitching to distorted guitars, you're just a really loud, bitter guy, accompanied by noise. Yeah, yeah, I can see hardcore music fans who listen to Static-X and Slipknot getting pissy about this. And if so, feel free to slap on some dark eye shadow, find the nearest guitar and write a barely coherent screamo song about it. You'll feel much better.

Hey kid, if you didn't wear makeup and poke holes in your face, you might actually get laid!

* "House" music

Don't even get me started on this. The other day, someone offered to make me a compilation of the "best house songs" they had. It's kind of like assembling the biggest piles of dog shit you can find in a park. Let's be clear about one thing. Anyone reading this who owns a computer and a music program can "write" house music. It is unmelodic, repetitive as all hell, and offers nothing but a constant drum beat, being looped until your head explodes. And you probably paid $30 to get into the club it's playing in. I was reading someone's myspace page a few months ago and under MUSIC, he wrote, "I don't listen to bands. Only DJs." He was promptly deleted. And killed. And fed to John Popper of Blues Traveler. Ignorant prick.

* Rappers who constantly tell us their name and bank account number

Come on, Snoop. We downloaded the song, it's playing on our iPods. Right under the song title is....YOUR NAME! Did you think we missed that? I'm convinced rappers have developed a complex from being called the wrong name during sex. My name ain't Carl! It's Eazy-E, bitch! And isn't music supposed to be occasionally relatable? Shouldn't you at some point in an artist's catalog be able to put yourself in the singer's shoes and experience what they're experiencing? Oh, and based on the fact that you're wearing a watch worth more than my house, I've already deduced that your "flow brought you dough" and you have "a crib, car, pools and jewels." And here I thought modesty was a virtue!

I used to enjoy rap music, until this happened

Honorable Mention:

Stevie Wonder performing with the Jonas Brothers (What next? The surviving Beatles' duet with Miley Cyrus?!)

That'll all the venom I have for now...

-jdp

jdeprospero@gmail.com