Interpreting OfficeSpeak: Why Corporate Jargon Makes Spotting Douchebags Easier

I've worked office jobs almost continuously since I was 16. So that means before I could legally drive in the state of New Jersey by myself, I've had to sit behind a desk surrounded by unfulfilled and underachieving dullards who find comfort in discussing the minutia of sitting in traffic on a Monday morning and nowadays, they can't resist posting whiny Facebook status updates the second a raindrop hits the pavement. Fourteen years later, and countless aggravating experiences on Route 46 later, I still have no desire to rehash these things. Yet, the norms of society force this upon me. That, and uncomfortable departmental meetings with people whose names I should know, but don't.



So, along with unnecessary discussions about the weather and traffic comes a whole slew of undesirable conversational nuggets that have spawned from corporate America like projectile vomit on a new pair of pants. I'm talking about these expressions that you hear around the cubicles that have crept into our vernacular and replaced our testicles with Dilbert-embroidered stress balls. I'm talking about these phrases that, when I hear them, make me want to put up an Out of Office message stating, simply, "Gone Killin'." Here are just a handful of these potentially murder-inducing expressions...



* Going Forward


Hey Joe,


Going forward, I'd really appreciate it if you would replace the printer paper instead of leaving it empty for the next person to fill.

Kind Regards,

Kyle McShithead

Just so we're clear, using "going forward" is simply a way of tip-toeing around the phrase "don't fuck up again like you just did." If you're going to call me out on something, just do it. If I wanted a half-hearted suggestion on how to improve myself, I'd ask my high school guidance counselor. And fuck your kind regards, too.

* Circle Back

I'm sure over the course of your career you've heard this gem. It means essentially the same thing as "get back" or even "go back." But apparently, the English language doesn't have enough words and expressions that mean the same exact thing (we did invent the terms "partly cloudy" and "partly sunny" after all), so someone in an office somewhere started using this instead of the already existing expressions that were working fine. A ferris wheel circles back. People don't. Just stop it already.



* Out of Pocket

If someone's been out of the office for a while, they might classify themselves as being "out of pocket." And I classify them as being a heaping pile of douche. The only pockets are on your pants or on pool tables. What's wrong with "unavailable" or just plain "out"? They've served us well for years. All of a sudden pretention walks in the door and they walk out. You have only yourselves to blame, corporate a-holes. We may never hear from them again. And yes, it's all your fault.



* Flesh it Out

This one just sounds gross. It sounds more like something Hannibal Lecter would do than a senior account executive. "Dr. Lecter, what'd you do for lunch?" "Oh, I fleshed it out, Clarice." He's the only one who should be using that expression. And maybe Joan Rivers' plastic surgeon(s). Otherwise, there's no need for this phrase to exist. Flesh this out, Kyle.



* Team Player

The only thing worse than not being a team player in your office is actually being a team player in your office. It's kind of like being the one friend in your crew who's really, really good at karaoke. It's just embarassing. Management will smile and call you a "team player" during your year-end review or on the flipside, will scold you for not being one. Being one essentially means that you've successfully transitioned from independently-thinking individual to mind-fucked corporate drone. You don't want this. If you're labeled a team player, that means they've won. This can easily be counteracted by showing up to work late regularly and always refusing lunch invites from your boss. And getting tattoos on your face.



* Going Green

I realize this isn't just exclusive to office environments, but it still fits under my umbrella of rage. And my God, when we find a buzz word in this country, we ride it into the ground. Ever since America got a boner over Al Gore, everyone has jumped on the "going green" bandwagon and started being more environmentally friendly- which to most people means throwing their cigarettes in their neighbor's yard instead of their own. So now, most offices have set up a few more recycling containers in break rooms and cafeterias. Yeah, I'm sure that'll save us.

* Thinking Outside the Box

Other than potentially being a witty name for a homeless man's (or Jenna Jameson's) autobiography, this expression is worthless to me. I can't think outside the box on command, because I have no idea what box people are referring to when they say this. The last time it was suggested I do this I kicked the guy swiftly in the groin. I'm sorry if I interpret it differently than you do. Oh, and Taco Bell? Shame on you for using a version of this soulless expression in your marketing campaign to give us all the shits.

* Touching Base

Ah, the micromanager's favorite term. I can see why they chose the language of the sport of baseball to merge with office lingo here. Standing on first base, waiting for something to happen is about as exciting as sitting at your desk, on a two hour long conference call of which your input is "Hello" and "Goodbye." So, in that way, I see the connection. But make no mistake, any time (and I do mean any time) someone calls you at your desk and tells you they're "touching base" on something, they're calling you incompetent. They haven't gotten the status update they wanted, so now they're passive aggressively demanding it. The next time someone "touches base" with you, hit them in the chest plate with a Louisville Slugger. Hopefully, they live to appreciate the irony.

* Pushing Back

Wanna feel like a badass while wearing khakis and a tie? The next time you're treated unfairly, simply send a an email to this person telling them something like "I'm sorry. I don't believe this falls within my job description. Perhaps we can brainstorm and come up with an alternative effective solution to get your clothes to the cleaners?" You sound like a real tough guy doing it, and no one will ever fuck with you again. Not even Chuck Norris.

I know there are plenty of others that pierce through your skulls and sap your will to live, but these are collectively the worst of the worst, for me.

In summary, if you are reading this and have somehow gotten away with not seeing the movie Office Space, it will sum up corporate life better than I ever could. So go watch it, before I proactively push back on your base-touchin', team player ass.

Feel free to post your favorite corporate expressions below! Misery, as they say, loves company.

Till next time,
jdp
jdeprospero@gmail.com