Jobs I Hope the Recession Eliminates

I'm a firm believer that, even in the worst of times, there's a silver lining. In fact, you could think of any bad experience you've ever had in your life and I guarantee you there's a bright side there somewhere. Failed a math test in 3rd grade? Your parents no longer expect you to go to medical school. Got dumped by your girlfriend the week before Valentine's Day? You save money on a gift and you get to have guilt-free sex with that promiscuous co-worker you've been keeping at bay. Hey, sometimes there's double the silver lining!

So, considering that the current bad situation is the state of the economy, I've come up with a timely list of job titles that I hope this supposed recession wipes off the face of the earth- which would be, oh yes, a silver lining. Now, of course, I don't wish poverty on anyone. But there are just certain jobs I find to be unnecessary, ineffective, or just plain obnoxious. Let's get started.

The Apple Store "Genius"

Just when you thought techies couldn't get any more aloof, socially inept, and douchebaggy, Apple goes and throws the "genius" label on them. And then has people schedule appointments to meet with these nerds. It's no wonder, frankly, that they all eventually develop a heightened sense of self worth. These hipsters, who stand behind the "Genius Bar" with completely uninterested looks on their faces, would rather be Twittering than helping you with anything. And they always seem to give off the impression that you're interrupting their nerdy existence by asking them a question- that is, assuming you were able to secure a much sought after appointment. They've never actually helped me with any of my iPod problems. So fuck them and their lanyards.

The dude on the left was the second choice to play Harry Potter and now he does this. Can you sense the bitterness?

The Bathroom Attendant

I know a dude's gotta make money somehow. But this particular profession is the cause of too many awkward social moments to justify its existence. I would actually be more inclined to give money to a homeless person outside the bathroom than I would a guy pumping soap into my hand like I'm an invalid in the bathroom. At least the homeless dude has some dignity left. And I, for one, prefer to manage my soap and paper towel distribution myself. In fact, I'd be willing to surrender my money upfront, rather than digging clumsily into my pockets for a dollar, drunk, mid-piss while some dude in a tuxedo waits behind me staring creepily, amidst a collection of gum and cigarettes.

Just so you know, I am not above hand-feeding you peanuts while giving you a reach-around if it means a bigger tip.

The BJ's Receipt Hole Puncher

No kid ever grows up with dreams of one day scouring receipts at the exit of a nearby wholesale food store. And because it's such an undesirable job, people who take it could give less than a shit about whether you're stealing or not. Seriously, think about the last time you went into a BJs, or other store supporting this ridiculous practice. How long do they look at the receipt? Two seconds? Maybe? You could be handing them your CVS receipt from when you bought condoms and a Nestles Crunch, and they'd never know. Besides, what's stopping you from getting your own hole-puncher and doing the deed before you even get there? Get rid of this job and put this hole-punching fool on cashier for God's sake!

The ultimate security guard...

The Casual Restaurant Valet Parking Attendant

I think we're fat enough in this country, don't you? Well, apparently someone doesn't think so. Because the more places you go to eat, the less you'll actually have to walk to get to your table. I can see if you're a real classy joint in a big city, but otherwise, there's no need for this. Here's a rule: if where you're going has a kid's menu, you can park your own fucking car.

The epitome of fine dining...

The Movie Ticket Stub Ripper

Yeah, it's mean of me to say, because a lot of your grandfathers probably held this job at some point. But really, it's the same as the receipt hole puncher. First of all, the old codger checking your ticket can barely see as it is, so he's not what I'd call reliable security. It's a completely fruitless line of defense that just creates foot traffic. Instead of having these people rip tickets, you should have them stopping people from seeing movies like "Sisterhood of the Traveling Pants 2." Then at least they'd be doing something worthwhile for the community.

Allow me to rip your ticket...or whatever piece of paper you hand me which could really be anything.

The Arena Entry Pat-Down Security Guard

I know what you're thinking. Joe, are you in favor of getting rid of all means of security? And the answer is no. I'm only getting rid of those that I find meaningless. In fact, I'm in favor of full body cavity searches for any event housing more than 5,000 people. Okay, maybe not that extreme, but it would certainly be safer than the lazy ass, barely touching you pat downs that the current crop of police academy drop-outs currently provide. Basically, unless you're storing an AK-47 assault rifle under your clothes, you can literally have any other kind of weapon concealed and they'd never know. So either really get in there and grope us or eliminate these guys and let fate work itself out. At least we'd be in our seats before encore!

So, like, can I go on break now?

I'm with the guy in the bright yellow shirt.

Thanks for reading. And if you agree, disagree, have more jobs you want to add to the list, want to tell me I'm an asshole, feel entirely free to add it below! And if you dig it, become a follower!

-jdp

jdeprospero@gmail.com