Now, I’d been searching for a good target to aim my virtual venom at for my first official blog. I wandered down dimly lit streets and dug deep into my dirty soul for inspiration. Nothing was coming to me. I was all out. I had just created a blog site and had nothing to actually blog about! I felt much akin to the dude who waits on a long line at a fast food place and when he finally reaches the register, he hadn’t even looked at the menu yet. I felt creatively impotent. But all that changed when my friend Doug Hoekstra came by holding the DVD for the movie Troll 2. And all was right with the world…
I must preface this by admitting that I have never even seen the first Troll film. I understand, though, that the sequel is (big shock) in no way related to the original. With that said, it would be safe to say that any high school, middle school or kindergarten class could have devised a scarier plot for a movie than this one. In Troll 2, A family of four (The Waits) swaps houses with another family to visit the unassuming, and completely attractionless, town of Nilbog which is swarming with undercover vegetarian goblins (And they fear meat. Oh, they fear meat.) while the boy’s dead grandfather’s ghost keeps appearing to give ominous hints about what lies ahead. But despite grandpa’s warnings from beyond, they continue filming this crappy movie.
Before we go any further, I absolutely have to bring something up about this film that is obvious from scene 1. The acting here is worse than any shit-fest small town stage play you’ve ever witnessed. I’ve seen a 6th grade production of Grease that had more talent. Each line is spoken with the believability of an awards show presenter reading off a teleprompter, and it’s fair to say that It's The Great Pumpkin, Charlie Brown! elicited more fright than this movie’s best scene. It literally comes across like they took the first 20 or so people they found on the street, handed half of them latex masks and potato sacks and the other half they told, “Act as scared as a person running from vegetarian goblins would act.” And as for the costuming, I’ll let the visual speak for itself.
The cast of Troll 2, gathering their receipts to return their masks at Party City...
Oh, There's a PLOT , You Say?
No bad horror movie would be complete without gaping plotholes the size of the Grand Canyon, either. Let's run some of them down...
* Who plans a vacation to a city where there's literally nothing to do? I know things aren't supposed to go "as planned" in horror movies, but couldn't they have at least TRIED to establish a false sense of comfort before shitting the creative bed?
* Who plans a vacation to a city where there's literally nothing to do? I know things aren't supposed to go "as planned" in horror movies, but couldn't they have at least TRIED to establish a false sense of comfort before shitting the creative bed?
There's a reason this shot isn't zoomed out.
* Since the goblins seem to run the town of Nilbog (have you dared to spell it backwards yet? Go on, do it!), they also apparently control all the food. When Joshua, his parents, and older sister arrive in the vacation house, they are greeted outside by the very family whose house they'll be staying in- the Presents. The father seems standoffish and kind of an asshole. Yet, no one seems alarmed when they discover that a meal has been prepared for them and left on the dinner table! They even played dark, ominous tones when the family left! How can you trust someone accompanied by such tones to cook you dinner?! Well luckily, the ghost of Grandpa Seth appears just in time to give the 411 to Joshua that eating this food is a bad idea. He's also apparently a superhero, as he's able to freeze time for 30 seconds (which lasts way longer than this in the movie), giving Joshua a window to think of a way to stop the eating. It also gives you a chance to reconsider watching this drek. Anyway, Joshua sees no other option but to do the following...
You asked for it. You fucking got it. * Grandpa Seth apparently KNOWS how to defeat the goblins the whole time, but it takes him the entire length of the movie to finally verbalize it? Oh, and he "leaves for good" more often than Brett Favre. Play or fold, Gramps.
* The teenage daughter, Holly, in the movie has a boyfriend, Elliot, who wants to come along on her vacation. She's cool with it, assuming he comes alone and not with his stereotypically horror-movie-horny friends. She even accuses him of being gay to punk him into it. So, what does he do? He fails to get to Holly's house in time for lift off and then he packs three of those friends into a camper and heads out to meet the Waits family. Then he acts surprised when Holly finds him and punches him in the face! Dude, have you ever dealt with an angry woman before?
* One of the boyfriend's nerdy pals follows a frantic woman into the nearby woods. He gets impaled in the chest by one of the goblins and they come upon an abandoned church-like building, where of course they seek refuge. Once inside, they find themselves face to face with a woman who looks not unlike a female vampire (we later find out she's named Creedence), who immediately offers them something to eat. Because why wouldn't she? So she comes out with two of the most suspicious-looking soup bowls I've ever seen anywhere. These things look like two mini witch cauldrons, with the dry ice spewing out and everything. You'd think this would set off an immediate red flag. So of course, the dumb girl drinks it, and then turns into a gelatinous green goo as her new man friend with the hole in his chest does a horrendous impression of someone who's surprised (and in pain). Then, the next time we see him he's been transformed into a potted plant, branches coming out of his face and everything. And there is no rhyme or reason as to how you become a plant as opposed to a puddle of goo, either. I'm totally fucking serious.
So Where's the Good Stuff?
These next tidbits aren't exactly plotholes, but moments that truly need to be experienced before you die...
These next tidbits aren't exactly plotholes, but moments that truly need to be experienced before you die...
* One of the horny dudes hanging out in the camper is beckoned outside by a playful-looking zombie-in-hiding who is playing synth-happy 80s music and provocatively holding...wait for it...a corn on the cob. So she saunters up to this guy and invites herself in. I knew it was too good to be true that the one moderately attractive female in the movie would get naked. I was right. And a recurring theme within this film seems to be healthier eating through vegetables. See below if you don't believe me.
Goblin law states that, during makeouts, there must be a corn on the cob separating the lips, and of course, stagehands must hurl popcorn.* His family doesn't believe that Joshua is really seeing the ghost of his Grandpa Seth. That is, until idiot Grandpa screws up and appears in the daughter's room instead. Joshua gets pissy. "You went to the wrong room, Grandpa!" Can't say I blame the kid. Since when do ghosts get lost?
Sorry, my bad.* The climactic scene in this movie really needs to be seen in order to believe it. The Waits family is, you guessed it, cornered by the goblins. Just when you were asking yourself how this family could possibly escape a bunch of second-rate monsters who, quite frankly, should be ashamed of themselves for not killing this family sooner, Grandma Seth's old ass makes an appearance to suggest they touch the "Stone Henge Magic Stone" (I can't make this up) and hands Joshua a bag that he should "only open when absolutely necessary." So the goblins (who put up less of a fight than paid actors in a haunted house), have Josh cornered when, the little crafty bastard decides to reach into the bag that Grandpa Seth left for him. He is either confused or thrilled to see what's inside. "Double decker...bologna sandwich!" Creedence the goblin queen squeals, "No! The cholesterol!" Too late, Toots. Joshua starts chowing down and then it's curtains for you and your underlings. He even couples the bologna sandwich with the dreaded touching of the Stone Henge Magic Stone! His family then joins him and no goblin can dare compete with such weaponry.
I'll end here, as I've already put twice as much thought into this review as they put into the movie. Oh, and get ready for a spoiler. The movie ends with Diane Waits, the mom, being eaten while she's in the shower and taken out into the living room where Joshua finds them munching on her. Both the father and daughter are nowhere to be found, probably because the director knew the kid was the best actor of the bunch and the only one who wouldn't make this scene completely laughable. Unfortunately for them, I still laughed.
Needless to say, I highly recommend this film. Much like I would recommend watching a blindfolded man with meat in his pants walk into a room of starving pitbulls.
Needless to say, I highly recommend this film. Much like I would recommend watching a blindfolded man with meat in his pants walk into a room of starving pitbulls.
Stay tuned, I've only just gotten started!
Good stuff JDP. I imagine it must have been a steamy “corn” scene…so hot in fact, that the corn kernels popped, as evidenced by the popcorn.
ReplyDeleteTana, there is no way you could've known this without seeing the film! This could only mean one thing! And I like it!
ReplyDeleteIs it bad that I've actually seen this movie without having read this review first? Ordinarily, I would have needed to watch this movie after reading this hilarious review of how awesomely bad it was, but sadly, I'm just the kind of person who spends her free time watching terrible movies. What's even more pathetic is that, more than likely, I'll probably watch this movie again when it comes on, because it's just so horrendous it's entertaining. I mean, how can you not enjoy the awkward kissing scene where popcorns starts flying out of nowhere? It's a movie moment that will, unfortunately, be forever burned into my memory.
ReplyDeleteI'd like to recommend a terrible movie for your viewing pleasure. It's a shame b/c the first ten minutes of it were very strong and promising, but the rest was just terrible and cringe inducing. I highly suggest you watch Punisher: War Zone. I would love to see a review on that.