Interpreting OfficeSpeak: Why Corporate Jargon Makes Spotting Douchebags Easier

I've worked office jobs almost continuously since I was 16. So that means before I could legally drive in the state of New Jersey by myself, I've had to sit behind a desk surrounded by unfulfilled and underachieving dullards who find comfort in discussing the minutia of sitting in traffic on a Monday morning and nowadays, they can't resist posting whiny Facebook status updates the second a raindrop hits the pavement. Fourteen years later, and countless aggravating experiences on Route 46 later, I still have no desire to rehash these things. Yet, the norms of society force this upon me. That, and uncomfortable departmental meetings with people whose names I should know, but don't.



So, along with unnecessary discussions about the weather and traffic comes a whole slew of undesirable conversational nuggets that have spawned from corporate America like projectile vomit on a new pair of pants. I'm talking about these expressions that you hear around the cubicles that have crept into our vernacular and replaced our testicles with Dilbert-embroidered stress balls. I'm talking about these phrases that, when I hear them, make me want to put up an Out of Office message stating, simply, "Gone Killin'." Here are just a handful of these potentially murder-inducing expressions...



* Going Forward


Hey Joe,


Going forward, I'd really appreciate it if you would replace the printer paper instead of leaving it empty for the next person to fill.

Kind Regards,

Kyle McShithead

Just so we're clear, using "going forward" is simply a way of tip-toeing around the phrase "don't fuck up again like you just did." If you're going to call me out on something, just do it. If I wanted a half-hearted suggestion on how to improve myself, I'd ask my high school guidance counselor. And fuck your kind regards, too.

* Circle Back

I'm sure over the course of your career you've heard this gem. It means essentially the same thing as "get back" or even "go back." But apparently, the English language doesn't have enough words and expressions that mean the same exact thing (we did invent the terms "partly cloudy" and "partly sunny" after all), so someone in an office somewhere started using this instead of the already existing expressions that were working fine. A ferris wheel circles back. People don't. Just stop it already.



* Out of Pocket

If someone's been out of the office for a while, they might classify themselves as being "out of pocket." And I classify them as being a heaping pile of douche. The only pockets are on your pants or on pool tables. What's wrong with "unavailable" or just plain "out"? They've served us well for years. All of a sudden pretention walks in the door and they walk out. You have only yourselves to blame, corporate a-holes. We may never hear from them again. And yes, it's all your fault.



* Flesh it Out

This one just sounds gross. It sounds more like something Hannibal Lecter would do than a senior account executive. "Dr. Lecter, what'd you do for lunch?" "Oh, I fleshed it out, Clarice." He's the only one who should be using that expression. And maybe Joan Rivers' plastic surgeon(s). Otherwise, there's no need for this phrase to exist. Flesh this out, Kyle.



* Team Player

The only thing worse than not being a team player in your office is actually being a team player in your office. It's kind of like being the one friend in your crew who's really, really good at karaoke. It's just embarassing. Management will smile and call you a "team player" during your year-end review or on the flipside, will scold you for not being one. Being one essentially means that you've successfully transitioned from independently-thinking individual to mind-fucked corporate drone. You don't want this. If you're labeled a team player, that means they've won. This can easily be counteracted by showing up to work late regularly and always refusing lunch invites from your boss. And getting tattoos on your face.



* Going Green

I realize this isn't just exclusive to office environments, but it still fits under my umbrella of rage. And my God, when we find a buzz word in this country, we ride it into the ground. Ever since America got a boner over Al Gore, everyone has jumped on the "going green" bandwagon and started being more environmentally friendly- which to most people means throwing their cigarettes in their neighbor's yard instead of their own. So now, most offices have set up a few more recycling containers in break rooms and cafeterias. Yeah, I'm sure that'll save us.

* Thinking Outside the Box

Other than potentially being a witty name for a homeless man's (or Jenna Jameson's) autobiography, this expression is worthless to me. I can't think outside the box on command, because I have no idea what box people are referring to when they say this. The last time it was suggested I do this I kicked the guy swiftly in the groin. I'm sorry if I interpret it differently than you do. Oh, and Taco Bell? Shame on you for using a version of this soulless expression in your marketing campaign to give us all the shits.

* Touching Base

Ah, the micromanager's favorite term. I can see why they chose the language of the sport of baseball to merge with office lingo here. Standing on first base, waiting for something to happen is about as exciting as sitting at your desk, on a two hour long conference call of which your input is "Hello" and "Goodbye." So, in that way, I see the connection. But make no mistake, any time (and I do mean any time) someone calls you at your desk and tells you they're "touching base" on something, they're calling you incompetent. They haven't gotten the status update they wanted, so now they're passive aggressively demanding it. The next time someone "touches base" with you, hit them in the chest plate with a Louisville Slugger. Hopefully, they live to appreciate the irony.

* Pushing Back

Wanna feel like a badass while wearing khakis and a tie? The next time you're treated unfairly, simply send a an email to this person telling them something like "I'm sorry. I don't believe this falls within my job description. Perhaps we can brainstorm and come up with an alternative effective solution to get your clothes to the cleaners?" You sound like a real tough guy doing it, and no one will ever fuck with you again. Not even Chuck Norris.

I know there are plenty of others that pierce through your skulls and sap your will to live, but these are collectively the worst of the worst, for me.

In summary, if you are reading this and have somehow gotten away with not seeing the movie Office Space, it will sum up corporate life better than I ever could. So go watch it, before I proactively push back on your base-touchin', team player ass.

Feel free to post your favorite corporate expressions below! Misery, as they say, loves company.

Till next time,
jdp
jdeprospero@gmail.com

Musical Trends & Habits That Make Me Want to Impale My Ears with Drum Sticks

Friends of mine are well aware of my love affair with music. We go way back. In the 6th grade, when the red-headed object of my affection said no, Aerosmith said yes. In 9th grade, when I failed physical science and had to suffer the indignity of un-air conditioned summer school with no pretty girls to be found, Green Day's "Dookie" was my main squeeze. If this is starting to sound creepy, you haven't heard about my messy breakup with Oasis.

Finding music, for me, was like finding the perfect mate. But even after finding that mate, you're bound to find flaws. This blog is about just that. More specifically, certain musical habits that have been chapping my ass for years. Let us begin the tongue-lashing...

* Red Hot Chili Peppers mentioning California

Guys, I love you. I really do. But seriously, stop it already. I fucking get it. You're from the state of California, birthplace of Dani California, Californication, home of the Dodgers. You mention this word about as often as Art Alexakis from Everclear says "Yeah." Bon Jovi is from New Jersey. They even named an album after it. But you don't hear them verbally felating it in a song. You guys are like born-again Christians bringing up Jesus. You're like an annoying new mom pushing wallet-sized photos on uninterested strangers. Here are some new states to sing about: Texas (rhymes with exes, flexes), Maine (the rhyming possibilities are endless), and North Carolina (The Bloodhound Gang came up with a clever rhyme for this one). What's frustrating is the Chili Peppers are a perfect band, aside from this glaring flaw. They're like the really hot girlfriend who talks about her ex too much. Don't ruin what we have, guys.

Anthony Kiedis just got a hard on...

* Dance remixes of songs that were fine the way they were


There's a reason when I go to the gym, I cling to my iPod like Rose clutched the big door after the Titanic sank. Without fail, KTU (or another similiar station with more power than they deserve) is playing an "upbeat" remix of a John Mayer, Killers, or Metallica song. Not everything was meant to be danced to, fuckers. I've heard a dance version of "Unbreak My Heart" by Toni Braxton. Actually, it was probably called "Unbreak My Heart (Big Ricky Riddler Dickface Club Mix)"Have you ever listened to the lyrics to that song? One of the lines is: "I can't forget the day you left, time is so unkind." Woohoo, where's that dancefloor?! You don't see us turning "Copacabana" into a rock epic. So, leave songs the way they were meant to be heard, and we'll all be happy. Or at least I will. And that's what I'm aiming for.



* Political messages in song


I know there's a certain percentage of you who think this is a real cute idea. But you're Bruce Springsteen, not the Secretary of Defense. Songs were meant to be sung about pining after women and sleeping with them, not the Gulf War. I never went into a music store thinking, "Gee, I'd really love to be reminded about civilian casualities in third world countries. And I would especially like this to be accompanied by a string section. Oh look, Midnight Oil!" I, for one, prefer my politics on the evening news, a cappella.


* Overly ambitious versions of the Star Spangled Banner

Every time a singer with something to prove steps up to belt out this standard, I can almost see Francis Scott Key rolling around in his or her grave. The runs, the trills, the gyrations. Is this the national anthem or a commercial for epilepsy? You know when they say less is more, they're talking about you, Carl Lewis.


http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=HJLvCM4j2mg



* The Black-Eyed Peas (and particularly, their most recent shitty single)

Hey, it's my blog, I'm allowed to be as subjective as I want. I just really can't stand these assholes. The fact that "Boom Boom Pow" has recently been iTunes' most downloaded song is a sign of the apocalypse, in my view. I've experienced more joy from a fire cracker in my pee hole than I have from this crapfest they call a song. For all I know, they could be really nice people who donate to charity and help little old ladies across the street. But fuck 'em. They annoy me.



* Screaming vocalists

Ah, if there ever was an oxymoron, this is it. Who needs a melody when you can just screech and wail like a burn victim? This is perhaps my biggest musical pet peeve. If you can write a song and have musical ability, you're a musician. If you're pissed off because they stopped playing Alf reruns on TBS and you set your bitching to distorted guitars, you're just a really loud, bitter guy, accompanied by noise. Yeah, yeah, I can see hardcore music fans who listen to Static-X and Slipknot getting pissy about this. And if so, feel free to slap on some dark eye shadow, find the nearest guitar and write a barely coherent screamo song about it. You'll feel much better.

Hey kid, if you didn't wear makeup and poke holes in your face, you might actually get laid!

* "House" music

Don't even get me started on this. The other day, someone offered to make me a compilation of the "best house songs" they had. It's kind of like assembling the biggest piles of dog shit you can find in a park. Let's be clear about one thing. Anyone reading this who owns a computer and a music program can "write" house music. It is unmelodic, repetitive as all hell, and offers nothing but a constant drum beat, being looped until your head explodes. And you probably paid $30 to get into the club it's playing in. I was reading someone's myspace page a few months ago and under MUSIC, he wrote, "I don't listen to bands. Only DJs." He was promptly deleted. And killed. And fed to John Popper of Blues Traveler. Ignorant prick.

* Rappers who constantly tell us their name and bank account number

Come on, Snoop. We downloaded the song, it's playing on our iPods. Right under the song title is....YOUR NAME! Did you think we missed that? I'm convinced rappers have developed a complex from being called the wrong name during sex. My name ain't Carl! It's Eazy-E, bitch! And isn't music supposed to be occasionally relatable? Shouldn't you at some point in an artist's catalog be able to put yourself in the singer's shoes and experience what they're experiencing? Oh, and based on the fact that you're wearing a watch worth more than my house, I've already deduced that your "flow brought you dough" and you have "a crib, car, pools and jewels." And here I thought modesty was a virtue!

I used to enjoy rap music, until this happened

Honorable Mention:

Stevie Wonder performing with the Jonas Brothers (What next? The surviving Beatles' duet with Miley Cyrus?!)

That'll all the venom I have for now...

-jdp

jdeprospero@gmail.com