Understanding the Hate: Five Things I Would Change About American Idol

I watch American Idol. As a singer, I feel compelled to watch, despite the fact that it loses me miles of respect with my circle of male friends. It frequently disappoints me, I often find myself thinking, "I could even do better than that," but it's the one show on TV I've tuned into religiously for the past five years. And although I'll defend my viewership to anyone who hurls tomatoes in my direction, some of the lamer aspects of the show are starting to become more obvious as the seasons go by and they don't change. So, with that in mind, here's a brief list of the top five things I think need to change on the show in order for it to thrive beyond this season (but mainly to make it easier for me to defend it).

* Making the loser sing right after they've been voted off.

We voted this hack off for a reason. Because we DON'T want to hear them sing. So what does AI do? Why they make them sing again! And what song do they have them sing? The very same song that failed them the night before. Brilliant, Idol producers. Remind me not to come to you after I've experienced a grave disappointment in life. "Fell off a horse and broke your neck? Well saddle up again, partner!"

* Puke-worthy group sing-a-longs

The judges continually encourage the contestants to stand out and be an individual- be your own artist. Then what do they do? They have them all sing a Top 40 pop hit to start each results show, like it's the fucking Mickey Mouse Club. When Chris Daughtry was a contestant, he looked so incredibly uncomfortable during the group songs that you'd think he was carrying a load in his pants. It totally puts people like him (and this season's Crystal Bowersox) in unfitting situations that only takes away from their artistry, and certainly doesn't add to it.

Okay, right when you guys hit the chorus, point in unison at the audience. But be original.

* Contestants blaming their poor performance on "I was just having fun."

Having fun is not a good excuse for totally sucking....in any aspect of your life. If you cheat on your wife and she catches you, would you shrug your shoulders and say, "Hey, I was just havin' fun. I like blowjobs and she was hot. Cut me some slack"? No. Then don't say it after you've clearly tanked while trying to pull off Marvin Gaye's "Sexual Healing." We, as the audience, would much rather you were miserable and just sang well.

* Showing other contestants in the background who aren't singing

They constantly do this. They make the other singers stand in back of that railing behind the stage, forcing them to awkwardly bob their head and sway their body to the music and try not to shit themselves as they wait for their turn on stage. If you're in that position and you're a rock singer dancing to a pop song, you instantly lose credibility. However, if you just stand there and don't react at all to the music, you look like a prick. Thanks for the no-win situation, Idol folks.

* Hammering home the sob story

I can understand that part of the appeal of this show is that each particular singer has his or her own country song about how they got there. But once we know their story, leave it at that for God's sake! By week 6, I no longer care if Andrew Garcia is trying to make a better life for his malnourished, underprivileged son. That's all fine and good, but him being a good father and making up for his crackhead parents doesn't put new songs on my iPod. In fact, here's a good story. Once upon a time, there was a man who could fucking sing! The end.

This is the first season I can remember that I haven't voted once. Think about that, American Idol. And heed my advice.

-jdp