How to Spot a Douchy Parent

I haven't posted since March, but like a dog that inevitably licks himself in the fun area, I have returned to doing what I do best- complain. I became a parent last April. It was a scary experience. And not just because I became unavoidably responsible and human feces on my hands became normal, but because I became even more aware of what tools other parents can be. I've been appalled to play soccer with my son at the park, only for some four-year-old who should totally know better to take the ball away from him. Since I can't exactly punt the kid into oncoming traffic, you can imagine my frustrations.

So, anyway, through my travels, I have narrowed my list for how to pick out a douchy parent to the following characteristics:

- Kids names all start with the same initial

Here are my children, Frankie, Freddy, Fiona and Fuckface! Aren't they adorable? No. They're pretty unpleasant-looking. Starting your children's names with the same letter is no more creative than dressing them in nauseatingly matching outfits. Don't get me started on that shit.

- They are wearing a #1 Dad shirt, hat and wristbands

Nothing says "punch me fast" like these overly exuberant family men whose wardrobe consists of these ghastly MVP Dad gimmicks. Just because disinfectant wipes are now your life is no reason to give up hope you can still be at least kind of "cool." I mean, come on man. And it's always doofy white guys who wind up going in this dark, dark direction.

Guys who wear this hat have as much personality as this bearded mannequin does.

- Fanny packs. My God, the fanny packs...

There is absolutely no excuse for this. You have pockets, your unsightly wife has a purse, you're probably carrying a diaper bag the size of Vern Troyer. Why the need to dangle personal items over your nutsack? Is it really so small you feel inclined to hide it? I feel sorry for you. And your child who has such a nerdy father to look up to.

Thanks for crushing my childhood image of what a real man is, brother!

- Their kids are pooping in crayon boxes and coloring on toilets

Hey mom, guess what?! When that child of yours popped out of your vag and eventually figured out how to put one foot in front of the other, he became your responsibility until he gets hooked on crack in college. Letting your child roam free and not creating boundaries for them isn't being liberating, it's being an asshole. Kids need rules. Otherwise, they'd whiz in your mashed potatoes and when you laughed, they'd think that was acceptable. Hence, you'd raise a dickhead bully who thinks fucking with other people's shit is kosher. Way to go, Antonio Cromartie.

- You call their house and their 14-month-old is on their answering machine

Quite possibly the coup de gras of parental douchyness is allowing your barely literate child to leave the outgoing message on your home answering machine. Here's a general rule: If your kid is a well-spoken five-year-old and you think it's cute to have her represent your household to literally anyone who calls, that's fine I suppose. But if your toddler sounds like Helen Keller choking on a donut, let her play with a fucking BABY phone. Pretty sure that's what those are for.

- They proudly display their child's meaningless scholastic achievement on their rear bumper

You've seen them. Oh, we've all seen them.

"Proud Parent of a an Honor Roll Student at Douche-Chill School for the Deaf"

And then there's the bumper stickers that attempt to counteract this:

"Proud Parent...Period!"

So, if you're keeping score, the kid in the first scenario is kinda smart, but his parents are announcing this one accomplishment just in case this is the end of the road and his intelligence stops with 2+2. The kid in the second scenario is an idiot and his parents don't want to admit it.

There are plenty of other ways to spot a douchy parent- if they bring their child to a non-child-friendly event (like a hanging), if the kid's name is Kyle, Chad, or an abstract hippie concept like Faith or Inner Peace, etc. The hate goes on...

Thanks for reading. I'm currently in the home stretch of finishing my fiction book, which has been a labor of love for years now. I think I can, I think I can!

jdp

jdeprospero@gmail.com